THE SMALL CUBICLE

the day i accept his proposal is the day i'm ready to let him go.

he is the person who teach me how to keep promises. a person who lift me up when my exam result went go below the target. the first person who i text to share everything instead of my parents.

when something went wrong, he show me the right way. the person who are responsible to speak in english in our conversation, the person who will encounter any troubleshooting on my pc. he is my walking Google. anytime, anywhere.

the day he fell sick, i am the person who drag him to see doc. the day he had an interview, i am the person who can't sleep on that night and i am the one who told him to wear this, to wear that. the day he went back to his hometown, i am the most lame person on earth waiting him to text due to that stupid phone line. the day he told me he love me, my adrenalin junked.

days gone by. years gone by. until it become a piece memories in chapter of my life. he stepped in and finally he stepped out. we continue our life with our own story. but we never hate each other.







he is, the torchbearer.

tak lama lagi penderitaan sebenar akan berlaku.
tak lama lagi aku akan jadi kurus kering.
tak lama lagi aku akan emotionally suffer.
tak lama lagi aku akan hilang appetite untuk makan bukan-bukan macam sekarang. masa tu tengok mcd pun aku dah tak nak dah.
tak lama lagi dah kena tukar speck lain, power kasi tambah.
tak lama lagi aku akan lepak dengan environment nya hampir semua berwarna putih.
tak lama dah weyh.

nebes gila aku dah ni.

i'll try not to miss anything around me.

birthday.
anniversary.
rumah terbuka zulkaedah sebab syawal dah habis.
tuition.
old pics.
old writings.
body shop sale.

and i'll try my best to get these:

psp 3000.
pc baru. lagi.
cordless mouse. haha.
crocs baru. lagi.
hp baru.
speck baru.
esprit sunglasses.

final presentation is just around the corner. or to be exact, tomorrow. i feel like no more oxygen for me. i almost can't breath and suffocate with mountains of work to be done.

aku tak sabar nak habis sem ni. sebab aku ada plan besar sepanjang cuti sem yang hanya.... 2 minggu? ok2. nak sambung nervous balik. esok nak present ni.

note: post ni bukan bertujuan untuk memungut derma.


hari ni dalam pocket aku betul-betul tinggal rm3. makin menambahkan hiba, dah la tinggal jauh dari mak bapak. aku pulak jenis yang malu-malu segan tapi mahu dengan mak bapak aku. honestly, aku memang rasa something wrong untuk call and mintak duit dari diorang. diorang pun entah ade duit ke tak. ecececee...

pagi tadi kelas at 10am tapi postpone to 2.30pm. wah, byk cekadak kau. aku nak tido. jangan harap aku nak datang. nasib baik attendance aku penoh lagi sem ni. penat aku rushing bersiap nak gi class sampai tak sempat nak mandi. murka betul aku.

lepas kelas yang cancel tu. aku lepak kat library cari journal tapi x jumpa. mata ngantok. perut lapar. bengang betul. aku balik bilik then jumpa kupon untuk redeem pizza dominos. gila happy. dah la free. rempit kejap pergi dominos and take away.

kesudahannya, sekarang dah ngantok sebab kenyang. siapa cakap dengan rm3 tak boleh survive?

aku rasa benda paling tak patut refer kat aku adalah masalah dalam bercinta.


experience aku sendiri tak la setebal yellow pages. tapi aku heran kenapa orang suka refer kat aku kalau ade problem in a relationship. padahal aku mmg dah well known as a single but kadang2 not available but kadang2 available, part time girlfriend orang, cikgu orang, dan bakal bini seseorang (yang ni kalau sempat la kan?).. bukan aku taknak tolong. tapi kalau ade orang sanggup bayar untuk consult dengan aku hal-hal macam ni alangkah indahnya dunia. guna air liur je dapat duit. sekarang ni aku nak marah sebab aku tak gaji lagi. cis punya bos. aku bakar mpv baru kau baru tau. eh tak boleh. weekend ni nak naik mpv baru dia gi open house. muhibah siot. bos aku chinese. ari tu dia bagi aku tanglung wat main bakar-bakar dalam bilik. nasib baik tak sempat terbakar bilik aku. kang tak pasal-pasal kena cari bilik lain. mase nak raya ari tu dia bagi aku kuih tat. amboihh.. gemok2 macam ulat aku tengok.

ok. dah. sekarang aku nak stop crapping. chow. tido.

sekarang aku tengah jawab soalan mid term. duration time given from 2pm til 12am today. online beb. submit jawapan thru email je. canggih betol zaman sekarang.

aku rasa kat planet zuhal pun xde lagi mid term macam ni.

lepas raya aku sibuk dengan open house, final crit, final presentation, mid term subject theory lagi, assignments. lepas ni final exam lagi. aduhai... *mengeluh. mengeluh.


apasal aku berdebar-debar dah ni.. rasa macam nak balik kampung duduk bawah ketiak bapak. rasa selamat tak tentu pasal.

aku tak paham kenapa campus aku kalau nak masuk sem baru mesti kena buat pre-reg, lepas tu kena confirmkan register pulak. lepas tu bila dah masuk sem baru kena buat add drop pulak. ni ape punya sistem ni?sistem kat india pun tak pening macam ni..!!

at this moment, aku dah balik kampung. cuti 2 minggu so yeah.. yang lain-lain sila jealous. aku balik tak plan so seriously penat berdiri tercegat tepi highway utara-selatan belum habis since aku decide untuk tumpang lori ayam sebab tiket dah habis.

as usual, persiapan biasa-biasa. baju kurung sehelai. what i need is a bless during this month. ok, plus duit raya la kan. plus, festive food. plus, plus, plus la..

yang nak balik kampung, drive safe. dont drink and drive kalau kau tengah puasa. lepas maghrib ok. di kesempatan ini jugak (ecece.. ayat copy paste) the humblest, me myself, im asking for apologise if any of my words or any of the issues is hurting anyone who reach to this blog. kalau ada sesiapa nak derma duit raya boleh reach hp aku. jap lagi aku dtg straight away kutip duit raya. sesiapa nak dtg beraya, boleh buat appointment la dulu sebab biasanya raya aku takde kat rumah. dok merempat kat rumah orang tak reti-reti nak balik.

last word. aku harap semua orang pun enjoy this eidul fitr dan aku harap ni bukan eidul fitr yang terakhir bersama orang-orang yang kita sayang. amacam, touching tak? heh. ok dah. mak aku dah jerit kat dapur suruh wat kuih raya.

the test is not based on theorically terms. there is no answer on the answer book. it's a test from god. a god matters.

i bet myself is at a junction. either to move on, turn to the junction or to u-turn. in a sea of people, i always be in the middle. be a person without a decision. i go with a flow but starting from now on.. im going to be a person with a decision.

a friend told me to be strong. to be happy. to enjoy the life. i did. i want to enjoy this raya. i still want to get duit raya. but am i really enjoy this situation?

honesty is the best policy. but i do keep secrets for people who meant so much in my life. especially my parents. i dont want them to get worry. i promise i'll take care myself. i swear.

this is so unpredictable. who expect nose bleeding will lead to something bigger? but i believe in myself that this is not going to be the way i end my life. but who knows if its the destiny?

i take it as a so called beginning in a new chapter. it a teeny weeny riot but i know i can make it. jom support. 1malaysia. ok ni takde kena mengena.

raya kali ni takde rasa apa sangat.


since naik je cuti aku ade presentation and drawing plus model nak kena siap within this cuti raya, akan ku kerah keringat yang ada. ok, tipu. kalau dah nama balik kampung tu takdenye nak buat tu semua. semangat mula-mula je berkobar.

nanti dah sampai kampung sibuk nak buat ketupat la, kuih raya la, mana nak beraya rumah sedara-mara, member-member,rumah ex-bf la. eh, ni tak termasuk dalam list. mak aku ni bukan boleh tolerate sangat. sama macam bapak gua. kalau boleh bila gua dah start cuti tu, gua kena duduk bertempek je kat rumah tak boleh la nak kuar kejap.baik ikat je kaki gua ni kat rumah.

mak gua ngan nenek gua selalu berebutkan gua jadi assistant buat kuih raya. mati la gua. gua ingat tahun ni nak balik malam raya kedua. naik keretapi. gua nak syok-syok beraya kat kl gi rumah terbuka PM, gi semayang raya kat masjid wilayah, gi baring-baring kat jalan TAR, tengok wayang segala baru la gua balik kampung. agak-agak gua kena hempuk tak dengan bapak gua? tak payah jawab. kompem kena.

eyh, apahal belum ape-ape gua dah emo ni? x semangat raya langsung. tahun ni gua cancel raya.

malam ni malam terakhir berbuka kat hostel.
esok hari last studio lepas tu cuti 2 minggu dan masing-masing menghalaukan diri balik kampung. aku balik rabu next week. tak remaja la balik awal-awal.

esok pergi berbuka kat tempat best. macam biasa, orang belanja.
watch out. esok nak makan banyak-banyak.

dulu bercinta. sekarang tak lagi.

rabu, 2 september 2009.
ramadan ke-12.


hari pertama selepas 12 hari berpuasa akhirnya aku pecahkan rekod sendiri dengan pergi menjejakkan lutut ke bazar ramadan. sebelum ni bukan je tak pegi, pandang pun tak. busy sangat la kunun padahal takde duit makan free kat rumah. haihh.. dugaan bulan puasa.

crowd ok. tak butt to butt sangat sebab pergi awal. harga boleh tahan cekik darah. ni bazar ke barzakh ni?

i have to admit. bulan ramadan memang betul-betul menguji kesabaran mental and inner side of human.


aku dengan berbekalkan rm12, cuba bertahan dari hari isnin lepas sampai hari sabtu ni untuk balik kampung. hari jumaat, aku mengajar. dah la pinjam kereta orang, dah tentu-tentu kena tuang minyak.

gaji lambat lagi. hp tak ter-reload dah. orang yang aku harap untuk buat payment, hilang macam debu kena tiup angin.
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dan aku memang betul-betul tengah sabar. boleh tak aku daftar dengan pusat zakat as a fakir? boleh tak?

selamat berpuasa kepada yang puasa. yang tak puasa jangan harap kau boleh raya haha..


last monday aku mengajar pukul 6ptg. so, aku keluar awal around 5pm konon-konon nak elak jammed. sampai kat MRR2, traffic dah pack, bumper to bumper. so, aku kuatkan volume radio, sambil mengipas while driving sebab air cond rosak and drive macam biasa.

even though tempat aku mengajar tu dekat je tak sampai 15km pun dari rumah, tapi on that day it took almost an hour to arrive. well biasalah.. semua orang sibuk nak balik berbuka kat rumah. hairan jugak aku. bukannya tak boleh buka dalam kereta pun. relax sudahh..

yang bawak kereta pun satu hal. dah tak reti nak sabar. dalam kereta asyik fikir lapa lapa nak makan.. cuba la bawak bersabar skit. oh, lagi satu. memang mentaliti driver kat malaysia ni suka tengok accident. bagai nak rak jammed kat lane sini tapi lane sebelah nun sana yang ada accident. lepas je tempat kejadian.. nothing. jalan lancar je. bukan ade kura-kura pun.

lagipun aku rasa jalan raya kat malaysia ni banyak sangat binatang. kancil, rusa, kelisa.. apehal?

selasa lepas, aku baru selamat undergo eyelid operation.


plain simple, ada ketumbuhan under my right eyelid where as it touch the eye ball. mula-mula bengkak macam biasa, well..macam ketumbit sebab mengintai orang mandi tu satu hal la. after almost two weeks tak hilang jugak ketumbuhan pokok epal kat eyelid, aku make a move buat muka berani to see doc and say "hi".

aku tak expect la sampai kena undergo minor operation. ingat macam taruk ubat, dapat mc (the main reason why aku see doc hahaha..) then dah ok dah ketumbuhan tu. sekali ambik kau. padan muka aku. first day aku see doc, dia dah make an appointment for my surgery on tuesday. so tuesday aku datang specialist clinic tu dengan muka separa cuak tapi happy sebab atenden ( crap gila aku x tau guy kerja kat clinic panggil ape.. xkan misi pulak? ) clinic tu hensem plus.. plus.. anak doc tu sendiri. mula-mula nurse lelaki tu ( wtf?? ) suruh aku relax je sambil-sambil dia bius mata aku konon-konon xnak bagi aku rasa sakit.

dia bius pun, tapi aku rasa sakit je masa surgery tu. haram jadah betul.. so as a conclusion, aku temporarily losing my rightsight. within 48 hours i was restricted no driving, no seafood, oh tapi dia takde cakap no blogging pulak.


yang penting dapat mc 3 hari. lol~

sharp at 2.22 am, account facebook aku telah selamat dikuburkan tanpa talkin.


im back on track where as privacy is more important and i need to protect certain people's profile. lagipun aku bukan perlu sangat that kind of social networking sama macam friendster, myspace and yada yada..

instead of im being so touch (touch in the other way round) with a friend's words, i become so mad to him. so basically i get merajuk this time. i know it never happen before. but tonight, it went go wrong. i hate when i started to doubt myself. i hate regretting my decision. i hate everything in my past. and i hate you.

thank you of being so honest. i need a space for myself.
off-blogging.

a blogger friend claim me as a mysterious girl. he wonder who am i, who is my family and my background. i told him this.


aku anak sulung daripada 12 adik beradik. my dad is a worker at the car wash. my mum is a housewife. i live in a small house that contain 14 person. i am from johore. that's it.


so, u tell me which part that i am so mysterious?